I am deceased. Folks, today is the first day of the year where we all pledge to never, under any circumstances, ever drink again. It’s just no good for us. 2017 is going to be the year that we all get our lives on track. Fit, healthy and hangover free. Until tomorrow, when the diet and […]

9 years ago

2016, you were an atrocious piece of garbage.  Rather than dwell on how awful it was, let’s all get a quick tattoo to commemorate the journey we experienced, then look forward to 2017 together. I’ve put together some rough samples below that you can simply screengrab, take to your local tattooist and insist they replicate […]

9 years ago

New Year, New Me! As we learned from Christmas Day Social Media Predictions, I am a modern day Mystic Meg. Social media was aflood with #TheBoyDoneGood, #LuckyGirl and the classic #SpoiledRotten. I can feel it in my waters that New Year’s Day is going to be something very special on social media this year. Here is […]

9 years ago

Can’t. Stop. Eating. Christmas is an important time of year where it’s essential that you stuff your face at all times. The end goal is that your colleagues don’t even recognise you when you return to work, and you can only wear tracksuits because, to quote Queen Regina George, “these sweatpants are all that fits me right now”. […]

9 years ago

♫ It’s the most pervy time of the year ♫ There’s something in the air around Christmas time that turns everyone into a massive creep and desperate to find love. Personally, I blame the harmful effects of such movies as The Holiday and the biggest culprit of all, Love Actually. Tonight is a big night out, everyone gathers together […]

9 years ago

It’s Christmas dinner Tinder! Yesterday, we asked our loyal Snapchat following to send us a pic of their Christmas dinners before they horsed into them. This is because a) we’re extremely nosey and b) we genuinely want to find the most beautiful Christmas dinner that was eaten in Ireland yesterday. So, we’ve shortlisted it to […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, He’s here! Jesus Christ, he’s here! I am beside myself. People that doubted the validity of an immaculate conception have been proven wrong and I am delighted. Now, not to complain, but the birthing plan didn’t work out AT ALL. Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem last night for a little getaway, but […]

9 years ago

Merry Christmas! Santa and Mrs Claus are absolute divils for the texting. His sleigh barely lifts off the ground and they’re already checking in to make sure the other one is missing them terribly. We were anonymously sent some leaked text messages exchanged between Santa and Mrs. Claus last night. As with any potentially fraudulent content, we are […]

9 years ago

Reindeer, am I right? As we speak, they’re already making their way across the world to deliver toys to millions of ungrateful little scuts. Santa would be utterly screwed without them. He’d be forced to use *shudders* public transport. I have no doubt in my mind that Santa’s reindeer aren’t half as innocent as they […]

9 years ago

Gaeilge, am I right? Irish is being viewed by some as a dying language, but we need it to stay alive because when we’re on holidays with friends and some local creep starts harassing us, it’s vital that we have a vague knowledge of our native language to communicate with each other to plan an escape route. Like […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, I’m a nervous wreck. The baby is due TOMORROW. This is no ordinary baby, it’s the Son of God for Christ sake, no pressure so! Joseph has proposed a last minute trip to Bethlehem ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Is he mad? We’re bringing the paddling pool just in case I go early, so I can […]

9 years ago

Some people are a little heavy handed with their social media updates at Christmas. Strategically arranged gifts photographed with perfect lighting will flood social media on Christmas day, along with hashtags such as #theboydonegood, #spoiledrotten and #luckygirl. You have no choice but to send screengrabs to your friends saying “THIS WAN” etc. Here’s what we […]

9 years ago

Three wise men and a baby. I’m under no illusion that the Three Wise Men were anything other than a bunch of absolute chancers. They heard the baby Jesus was born and they hoofed themselves all the way to Bethlehem to get in on the action, blatantly in search of three Godfather roles. But how did […]

9 years ago

Love Actually is monumental and integral part of cinematic history. If you haven’t watched it approximately twelve times in the lead-up to Christmas this year, it’s essential that you rectify the situation immediately (it’s on RTÉ 1 tonight at 9.25pm sharp). In the meantime, test your trivia below.

9 years ago

WhatsAppenin? It’s a terribly busy time of year for Santa’s Elves. They’re running around trying to get their last few bits done in time for Christmas Eve, ensuring that billions of people worldwide wake up to heaps of wonderful presents on Christmas Day. You’d assume that Santa’s Elves are very polite, reserved and politically correct folk, […]

9 years ago

DRINK! It’s a big day today. There’s only 10 days left in 2016, Kiefer Sutherland turns 50, it’s the first day of Pancha Ganapati and it’s also the anniversary of iCarly’s first period. Today is also known as the Winter solstice, meaning it’s the shortest day and longest night of the year. What better way […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, I am livid. Joseph has been reading my diary. I’m fully sure because I read the confession in his diary. I talked to God about it and he offered to do couples counselling with us. Eh… NO! Imagine how awkward would that be? The main issue for me is that I can’t really […]

9 years ago

Listen, I’m in hell at this point anyway. I often wonder what life would’ve been like back in ancient times if modern technology existed. Would Joseph have Snapchatted Jesus’ birth? Would Mary have posted an Instagram of her scans? Would the Three Wise Men have checked in on Facebook? Probably. Let’s throw logic out the […]

9 years ago

*Toot toot* Gals, let’s drop the facade and be real for a minute. Everyone farts. Mother Teresa, the ‘Is this a date?’ girl from the Barry’s Tea ad, the green Morbeg, even Julianna Margulies. But where is the optimal place to fart in Dublin? Where can you just let go of all your inhibitions and simply be […]

9 years ago

Sorry. I don’t want to put anyone in a bad mood this close to Christmas, but tough decisions need to be made. Would you rather watch your parents kiss on the lips or pour acid on your own eyes? I know which one I’d pick. Christmas is a time of joy, but also stress. So […]

9 years ago

Pot, kettle, etc. Listen, the definition of clickbait has been utterly trampled on lately. In my opinion, literally everything you put on the internet is clickbait, even a Facebook status is clickbait. You put together a status for the sole purpose of garnering likes and shares, in the same way that websites use headlines for hits. […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, I am worn out. I know Mary is the pregnant one, but I’ve been doing all the running around for her. She’s sat at home with the Son of God inside her, taking it handy. If I have to make her one more weak and milky cup of tea, I’m going to scream. […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, Weighed myself this morning and the scales actually broke. Granted they were only made out of rocks and planks but I’m still mortified! It’s so humid outside. Obviously, I’m trying to keep myself looking well for Joseph throughout the (immaculate) pregnancy, but my hair just has a mind of its own today. Can’t wait […]

9 years ago

Round of applause for Mr. Postman! As we’ve come to expect, every single Christmas they prove their worth as the saviours of the land by delivering even the most scantily addressed letters. Well, they’ve only gone and done it again! This morning, a letter was successfully delivered to the correct recipients at The Dáil, based […]

9 years ago

Dear Diary, Christ, I’m the size of a house. Joseph took my measurements yesterday and we ran out of measuring tape. We had a good laugh about it, but I’m pretty sure the zoo is currently looking for an escaped hippo. As far as immaculate conceptions go, it’s been a pretty decent pregnancy. Obviously, I […]

9 years ago

School reports were easily the most nervous poo-inducing part of school. No matter how much you tried to be a lickarse in the days leading up to those detrimental scraps of paper being sent home, it made little difference in trying to convince your teachers that you actually weren’t a piece of garbage. I’ll never forget […]

9 years ago

Shopping is hard. It’s impossible to buy things for other people. The easiest option is just to get a few bits for yourself, then promptly cut all ties with your friends, family and loved ones, to get out of the pressure of having to buy them something. It’s ten days to Christmas and I have […]

9 years ago

Alarm clocks have a thankless job. Nobody is ever happy to see or them, but they are just doing exactly what we require. It’s cruel and unforgiving and I wouldn’t wish the occupation of an alarm clock upon my worst enemy. I’ve put together a hypothetical alarm scenario to highlight the unbearable strain that alarm […]

9 years ago

Us in the morning…

9 years ago

Why couldn’t it be Mr. Men and Ms. Miss? #Equality. 2016 has been quite a year in terms of everything being garbage and then that huge pile of garbage being subsequently lit on fire, then pissed on by a load of wolves. So many crap things have happened, but let’s not dwell on it. Instead, […]

9 years ago

You’ve clicked in to take this quiz. I’m afraid it’s bad news. 1 in every 5 people are gobshites, with that figure set to rise to 1 in every 4 by the end of 2017. It’s a debilitating condition that is difficult to completely get rid of, but it can be treated and brought to […]

9 years ago

I am deeply jealous of Zoella. Before the haters settle down into their solid day’s work of hating, I’d like to explain that I am extremely jealous of Zoella and not here to be mean about the gal. She’s carved out a very profitable and recognisable brand, along with an enviously successful career from the comfort […]

9 years ago

Hashtag relatable content. 2017 is the year that lots of people are planning on getting their lives on track. For some, that means finally settling down and forcing another person to commit to them. For others, it just means being happy. If you’re feeling impatient and want to know immediately if you’re going to either continue being single […]

9 years ago

Hu dis?

9 years ago

What’s a German’s favourite TV show? The Wurst Witch. The Worst Witch was easily the most infuriating television programme I watched during my childhood. Like a mug, I’d keep going back to it in the hopes that things would improve, but I ended up disappointed every single time. There was a number of infuriating factors that have […]

9 years ago

Hashtag ENGAGING content. As we all know, getting engaged is vital if you want to get married. You can try bypass it, but ultimately, someone needs to ask you to marry them (or vice versa). 2017 is the year of the rooster, so even potatoes stand a chance of getting engaged, hurrah! Based on a highly […]

9 years ago

Fair Shades. One time my Granny’s telly (which always has the subtitles on) had somehow taken the subtitles from Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook and was showing them during The Bill. It was confusing and sparked a train of thought in my brain that has only taken 10 years to come to fruition. Hence, I’ve taken the subtitles from 50 […]

9 years ago

Life is unfair. Malcolm In The Middle was an essential part of any decent television schedule in the 2000s. Every Sunday night I’d lump myself in front of the telly to see what those little terrors had gotten up to. I’d also force my parents to watch it with a view to them realising how blessed […]

9 years ago

This is a breaking news story. It was revealed earlier today that Wexford couple John Murphy and Sarah McGuire are opting out of their traditional gift exchange this Christmas. Having been together for six years, they decided their money would be better spent saving for a nice holiday or a weekend break at some stage, a source close […]

9 years ago

“Things have blown up”

9 years ago

We are all lazy and disgusting animals. Sometimes your inner slob gets the better of you and it becomes entirely acceptable to request help from others that are mere feet away from you. Furthermore, your means of contacting them can be as lazy as a text message, or if you’re feeling particularly slobbish, a phone […]

9 years ago

Science. There are several burning questions facing the world at present: How is Brexit going to impact our economy and relationship with the U.K., how is Donald Trump’s election as future President of the United States going to impact the world and our relationship with the U.S. and most importantly, what is my relationship status […]

9 years ago

Hashtag relatable content. Would You Rather is a fun and important game that has been around since the beginning of time. Even Adam and Eve were playing it, as it is quoted in the Bible: “Adam, would you rather have an arm made out of a croissant, or be involved in a magical fairytale that never […]

9 years ago

Work Christmas parties are hard work. Firstly, you need to figure out the dress code. You don’t want to look too fancy or underdressed, but also it’s important for people to see that you have the ability to not look disgusting and stressed sometimes. Once the dreaded outfit is nailed down, all you need to do […]

9 years ago

Listen, we all poop. I firmly believe that there is no nicer place in the world than the ladies’ bathroom. We’re all the best versions of ourselves in there, helping each other out and displaying a united sisterhood that would easily rival The Gilmore Girls. There’s an unspoken set of rules that we all abide by. […]

9 years ago

Dating is tough. Luckily, we’ve figured out a way to help you say goodbye to those pesky singledom woes and guarantee you a one way ticket out of the friend zone. With the help of our foolproof texts listed below, your companion will soon see clearly that you’re girlfriend material, as opposed to black sack material (because garbage). Simply […]

9 years ago

Their ship name is Bostom. Tom Hardy has done a very ~spicy~ photoshoot for Esquire and by Christ is this the gift the world needs after such a traumatic 2016. As we’ve learned in the past, adding Bosco to attractive celebrities’ photoshoots makes them even sexier. There’s no logic to the science behind it, nor […]

9 years ago

Who wore it best, these celebrities or some very poor comparisons? Yet again I was snubbed at the British Fashion Awards. My tireless contribution to the world of fashion continues to go unrecognised, in a move that equals the devastation caused by Brexit and Trump’s election as the next President of the United States. In […]

9 years ago

As the song goes, it’s the most insufferable time of the year. People are hoofing into each other in the shops, speeding around trying to get the last Clarisonic and the likes before they go out of stock. Your only defence is your dark and shameful thoughts. “Hope you choke on that bottle of prosecco”, you […]

9 years ago

It’s quite likely you already know the answer. Social media is rampant with annoying people. We all tend to dip our toes into the annoying pool every now and then, but it’s usually forgiven and rarely looked upon as grounds for the death penalty. There are some folk that are comically devoid of being self-aware. […]

9 years ago