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6th April 2019
01:29pm BST
You are a sociopath. There's no logic to any of the Monopoly pieces, but the battleship makes the least amount of sense. You're heading out to buy some property, which is on land, and you honestly think that the best means of representing yourself is with an object that represents the name of another board game that absolutely slaps?
You're confused. You were born confused and you'll die confused. You always find yourself making the wrong decisions, such as marrying the wrong person or wearing boat shoes to a formal event. Your Monopoly strategy is chaos. You don't care about winning, you just want to watch the world burn. You'll steal money if you're the banker, almost willing the other players to catch you so you can feel the unbridled high that comes with confrontation. Psycho.
Boot
Money is of no interest to you, which is handy because you're never going to have much of it. You favour experiences over material possessions, such as getting your ass whooped by a bunch of teens during Taekwando practice rather than owning a pair of AirPods 2. Whatever, it's your choice. You're the master of your own destiny and the decider of your fate.
Your Monopoly strategy is generally just to enjoy yourself, which is a loser's mentality. Monopoly isn't about having a good time. It's a chance to seek revenge on loved ones that have wronged you as recent as nine years ago. You're so weak-willed, you'll notice the banker blatantly cheating and choose not to confront them because you think the universe will take care of things. It won't. Grow up.
Iron
Hygiene and tidiness are important to you, obviously, so you seek comfort in the iron because it reminds you of that. You make people take off their shoes when they visit your house, you don't trust the dishwasher to get the job done properly so see it as purely ornamental. Your car smells overpoweringly of lavender and you once crashed it into a low fence because you were trying to get a crumb off the car mat while driving.
Monopoly is more of a burden than a joy for you. It's messy, things fall on the carpet and you always end up tidying everything away at the end because nobody else will do it right. You prefer small bills over larger ones and enjoy being sent to jail because it gives you time to reflect and ensure that all players are using coasters under their drinks.
Race Car
Congratulations! You're an absolute bloody legend and you're killing the game. The race car is the absolute best Monopoly piece because it makes logistical sense. You're traveling through all these roads acquiring property, obviously in the real world you would use a car to do so. You have it sussed, at least in terms of meaningless board games. Unfortunately, your personal life is an utter shambles.
Something about whizzing your car around the board just feels right, despite the wheels not turning. Other players will simply plop their Monopoly piece into each property as they count out the correct amount of spaces, but you'll glide. You're a frequent winner of the game and find great pleasure in bragging about it. Again, I cannot stress enough, your life outside of this game is a nightmare. Sort it out. Get a job. Pay your taxes. Learn how to do a Sudoku.
Scottie Dog
While your success rates in Monopoly are close to negative numbers, you're a free spirit who just wants to have fun. You'd rather do literally anything else than play a board game on a Friday night, but friends know that you're easily bribed with copious amounts of sparkling wine. You're more interested in getting a mild buzz going and collecting £200 as you pass 'Go' than actually investing your time and energy into winning the game.
One time you knocked over the entire Monopoly board as you were getting up to go to the bathroom. Your friend was livid. Just properly fuming. Unnecessarily so, given that it is literally just a board game. You apologised profusely, but her rage was palpable. She never invited you back to play again. Didn't invite you to her wedding either. Or her funeral. Suspicious circumstances in the end, but I'm sure you had nothing to do with it.
Thimble
Hi Mum, how's things? Everything alright at home? Oh wow, our 90-year-old neighbour died? That's very sad. Suppose it was his time, though. He'd had a good life, always very cheery whenever you'd bump into him. Wonder who'll take over the farm now. And the cat! I hope someone is minding the cat. Anyway I'll pop over for dinner on Sunday so we can catch up.
That's right, you are a Mum. Everyone else nabs all the good Monopoly pieces before you even get a look in, so the thimble always lands in your lap. You don't mind, you're very easy-going, plus it's fun to try and squeeze your finger into the thimble. Monopoly doesn't really matter to you, you're just happy to spend time with loved ones and watch them viciously sabotage each other for the sake of winning an entirely fictional game.
Top hat
You're easily distracted and you've somehow managed to incorporate that into your career. You love chaos and have blagged your way into a creative industry where your "lateral thinking" is encouraged. What these people don't realise it that you are incredibly average at your job, but the wacky ideas your brain concocts has blinded them and tricked them into revering you as a total genius. Also, you love vaping CBD oil in the bathroom.
The top hat perfectly encapsulates your approach towards Monopoly. It's a bit unconventional and struggles to find balance. You'll fixate on different areas throughout the game, first lusting after lots of cash, then property, then making sure your sister doesn't do better than you because she's always embarrassing you with her real life accomplishments. You'll usually finish in second or third place, but have a rollicking good time regardless.
Wheelbarrow
There's a reason why this piece was discontinued in 2017 and that's because it's shit. Playing a game like Monopoly is supposed to leave you with desiring an aspirational lifestyle which comprises of owning many properties, hotels and houses included, then metaphorically spitting on your family members by charging them an outrageous fee when they come to stay over.
Where does a wheelbarrow, an item that is used to transport stuff, come into a lavish lifestyle? Perhaps you can use it to move large amounts of cash around, or have it as a quirky feature in your conservatory once it's been dipped in gold and given a rustic feel. Get real. You are mutton dressed as lamb. You try to seem fancy but you're common as muck underneath. You snipped the cable off your headphones to make them look like AirPods. Everyone knows. They're laughing at you. We are all laughing at you.
Cat
2013 saw this incredibly weak addition to the Monopoly board as some lunatic cat owners probably got a petition together to include some representation of these weak animals. Cats are scum, that is a fact. There are a few, perhaps four cats on earth that aren't total garbage, but the rest can die burn in hell, frankly. If you're picking the cat for your Monopoly piece, by proxy, you are scum.
You take the game incredibly seriously, so seriously that fellow competitors have to tell you to lighten up at least three times during the game. You've cried over Monopoly before. You've thrown a fit and walked out midway through a game. You've rigged the Community Chest. You've stolen from the bank. You'll stop at nothing to snatch victory. Get out of my sight, you make me sick. Find a hobby, saddo. And pass your driving test, FFS.
Horse and rider
This piece was retired in 2000 and it was a good decision welcomed by many. Structurally, the horse and rider piece was chaotic. It fell over easily, it looked quite pompous and lacked the satisfactory girth that other pieces came with. This is the choice of a wanker, I am sorry to say. You think you're better than everyone else, therefore seek grandeur in something as innocuous as a Monopoly piece.
People make up excuses to avoid being around you. They fake doctors appointments, they suddenly come down with a suspiciously short-lived case of the flu, they even go into military-grade hiding. You're tough to be around. You grew up with a lot of money and struggle to identify with anyone that didn't. Monopoly closely mirrors your own life, that's why you enjoy it so much. Winning doesn't matter because you're already filthy stinking rich. Also, you can't tell the time on analog clocks. Loser.
T-Rex
With the greatest respect, get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. You are a millennial pest who doesn't deserve to play Monopoly. It is a wholesome institution that has no place in your never-seen-a-cassette-or-first-generation-iPod-nano-before fragile little mind. Everything is handed to you on a shiny platter and you're still finding fault with it. You don't know the struggles we've endured. Have you even heard what dial-up internet sounds like?
You are, at a guess, two years old. You can walk, but still lament for the purity of days gone by when you were pushed around in a Maclaren stroller. You're only included in Monopoly games out of pity because family members don't want you bothering with the visitors' dogs while they're trying to play a bananas-serious game. You don't understand the basics of the Monopoly. You're never even going to own a house. You are a nuisance. Go away. Go Heely out of here, chump. This is not your kingdom.
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