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17th August 2018
05:22pm BST
The man responsible for the collapse of Barings Bank will not be winning CBB this year and that comes down to his promo photograph. He's gone on the show in an attempt to get a fresh start and to convince the British public that he regrets his actions in the past. BUT LOOK AT HIS HANDS IN THAT PHOTOGRAPH. He lacks the confidence that a CBB winner's promo photo exudes. He's midway through buttoning up his jacket, proving that the man simple isn't ready for action. His expression screams guilt and corruption. His pocket square is wonky, his smile looks sarcastic. He's a mess. Nick will not be winning CBB 2018. Much like the funds in Barings Bank, he will be making a substantial loss in this particular venture.
12. Dan Osborne
Those who can, do. Those who can't, well, they give a big cheesy thumbs up in promotional photographs. The former TOWIE star is overcompensating for something with this pose. He's throwing up an expression that you give when your mate's Mum has given you a lift home and insists on waiting outside to make sure you get into the house okay. As soon as you get your key in the door and successfully unlock it, you turn around and throw up one of The Osbornes, then head inside to the sound of Judy bombing it down the road to get home in time for Corrie. Dan has already lost the show before he even set foot into the house. It's over, champ. Go home. Get there safely and settle back into obscurity as soon as possible.
11. Chloe Ayling
Steady on, Chloe. You haven't won yet, nor will you be at any point. The glamour model, who should be used to getting her photograph taken if she's worth her salt, appears to have just won a round on Catchphrase. Stephen Mulhern has just awarded her a spot prize which consists of an all expenses paid weekend trip to Bognor Regis and Chloe can't believe her luck. She's always wanted to go to a seaside resort with a population of 24,000 people. Chloe won't be winning CBB. She's celebrating prematurely and succumbed to a winning mentality despite her weak odds. Where is her left arm? Will that be joining her in the CBB house? This is a silly pose and undeserving of victory. Get out of my sight, Chloe.
10. Rodrigo Alves
Is that a spider climbing up his wrist? Did an octopus squirt ink on his outfit before he arrived for the photoshoot? Is he looking at the camera or slightly beneath it? Due to a variety of confusing contributing factors, Rodrigo will not be winning this year's CBB. The Human Ken Doll can't even live up to his nickname, let alone the insinuation that he's taking part in this reality series with a view to winning it. The man has spent over £500,000 on plastic surgery to look like a Ken Doll, but he can't take five minutes to perfect a flatteringly confident participatory pose? Why is one arm raised like a boxer and the other like the Arthur meme? The man has had ribs surgically removed, which means he can suck his own fat chance of winning CBB 2018.
9. Roxanne Pallett
Brilliant! Roxanne appears to have just won £5 on a scratch card at the exact moment the above image was taken. This will come as welcome news since she won't be taking home the CBB prize money under any circumstances whatsoever. She, like those that have gone before her in this list, is overcompensating for something. What is she celebrating? The chance to be on CBB? Finding a top to match her skirt? The piece of food she's just successfully dislodged from her molars? You haven't won the competition just by being included in the lineup, Roxanne. You're an actress. Please try to act like someone that can take a sensible promo photograph and gaze off into the distance with a regal smile. This isn't a very Emmerdale expression.
8. Ben Jardine
It's quite likely that this is the same photograph Ben used for his audition to play the role of a cheeky car salesman who's fond of younger women and sells booze to underage teens on the side. The Married At First Sight alumni appears to have panicked at the last second and decided to put one third of his left hand into his pocket, meanwhile the right hand has formed the exact shape it would make inside a pocket, although it remains on the outside. The guy hasn't got a clue. He will not be winning CBB 2018. His bold fashion sense is not being sufficiently backed up by his facial expression. I am certain, although cannot prove it, that Ben has farted no more than two minutes before the above image was taken. Look into his eyes and tell me I'm wrong.
7. Sally Morgan
Hard to believe that Sally already knows who's going to win CBB 2018, but she does. The psychic opted to go for a simple promo photo pose here, but it hasn't paid off. She's clutching the edges of her blazer like a stockbroker who's about to announce to the management board that he's just lost the company £200m, presumably as a jibe at Nick, her fellow contestant that she accurately predicted would be joining her in the house. Sally could've gone for the standard psychic pose, one that involves an intense stare and touching your temples in front of a superimposed crystal ball, but instead she tried something different. That deserves commendation, certainly. But is she going to win the series based on this pose? No, and she's already predicted that.
6. Ryan Thomas
What's so funny, Ryan? Your chances of winning CBB 2018? Agreed. While this isn't the worst pose of the bunch, it's not terrific. Ryan has opted for the side tilt, a far more flattering pose than the standard head-on effort. But what has happened to his hands? Ryan looks like he's preparing to do that trick where you make it look like your thumb has detached from your hand, but he's having some difficulties getting everything in order. He's trying to work out which hand hides the thumb and which one displays it. It's a complicated effort and one that, had he nailed it, would've guaranteed him a win in this year's competition. Thumb magic is a highly respected craft and one that the British public takes very seriously into account when deciding on CBB winners. Idiot.
5. Gabby Allen
Unfortunately, the former Love Island contestant is trying too hard here. The lace, the slightly bent wrists, the rigidly toothy smile. It's too polished. Although I've criticised her fellow contestants for not having perfected their poses enough, Gabby has gone the other way. This promo photograph has visibly been practiced a thousand times in the bathroom mirror, in hotel rooms, even in the car using the tiny rearview mirror. Gabby is overthinking everything and it shows. She hasn't even got a single hair out of place. In a CBB winner, we want reliability, spontaneity, a potential suitor for Caroline Flack, just someone relatable. Gabby is alienating half of the British population here. Not everyone has access to lace garments or teeth whitening kits. Just be real with us, Gabby.
4. Hardeep Singh Kohli
This is a classic 'Oh hi, didn't see you there' pose and one that Hardeep certainly isn't a stranger to. He's likely to be making a sound while this image was taken, probably 'aha' or 'ooh' which would've put the photographer at ease. Whether or not you know him from his presenting stints, you can tell straight away that Hardeep is up for having a bit of fun. He's wearing a three piece suit for a CBB photoshoot, so the man clearly understands banter. Lest that not sufficiently convince you, look at his finger guns. The man has an insatiable appetite for making people laugh. He craves it and he knows that the British public love a misunderstood bad boy. If he keeps up this precise level of jovial antics, he'll do very well in the competition.
3. Jermaine Pennant
Oozing confidence at a staggering rate, Jermaine knows something that the rest of us don't. The footballer is above all of this. He knows that it's nonsense, yet he's still competing to prove a point. He needs to let us know that he too is in on the joke. Jermaine doesn't need this, he's got loads of money. This is more about exposing reality television for the spectacle that it is: a moneymaking publicity tool for low ranking celebrities to revive their careers while trying to get across the point that they are, despite public opinion, not all gigantic arseholes. Jermaine, in his mind, has already won CBB at the time of this photograph being taken. Also, he knows everything cringe you've ever done or said, that's why he's smiling. You're pathetic. A jester to him.
2. Natalie Nunn
Exuding all the confidence of a Mum that knows you're lying right now but is waiting for you to finish so that she can slap you with some home truths and ironclad evidence, Natalie is equal parts terrifying and commanding respect here. The Bad Girls Club reality star has the power to convince us all that she's going to win CBB with this image, but is it all just an act? There's a vulnerability to her smile, a hint of a smirk that suggest she's bluffing. Natalie is scared. She's used to dealing with lunatics, but CBB lunatics are a different calibre of insanity altogether. Natalie is going to do very well in this series, but she's not going to win it. She doesn't need to, she can just exercise mind control on us all and trick us into believing that she was the winner. I'd believe her. I'm too scared not to.
1. Kirstie Alley
Congratulations, you've fallen right into Alley's trap. Yes, she obviously will be winning CBB 2018 and that has nothing to do with her being the only genuine celebrity in the house. It's also because of this chillingly confident promo photograph she has produced. Such is her ease with proceedings, Kirstie has placed a playful finger upon her chin. It's as if she's waiting for you to doubt her. Go ahead, put Alley in the back. You can't, because she's going nowhere but the top. Her eyes are piercing through every viewer's soul. Good luck trying to vote for anyone else, she's already rigged the lines with the help of some Russian reality television enthusiasts. Kirstie will be winning by a landslide, through any means necessary. Get out of her sight, she's had enough of your bullshit. This conversation is over.
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