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14th May 2017
03:52pm BST

00.33 - Bruce Willis is a private detective in this movie. I guess the screenwriters were also watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
00.35 - Bruce Willis and John Goodman are taking a break from surfing. I really need to see the rest of this scene, where Bruce and John are surfing. Because if you think Bruce and John are too old to be surfing...
00.37 - Bruce and John are drinking tequila at what looks like breakfast time, as young women flirt at them from behind. Are we sure this isn't a documentary? Because everything feels too real right now.
00.44 - John Goodman: "I need to rethink my life." Good introspection, John.
00.47 - "They stole my dog!" Did you forget about the dog? Cos this is about the dog.
00.50 - Kal Penn accuses Bruce Willis of being a racist, based on absolutely nothing. This conversation is very confusing.
00.51 - John is Bruce Willis' assistant. John is played by Thomas Middleditch, who is in TV comedy Silicon Valley. Thomas appears to have forgotten how comedy works for his scenes in this trailer.
00.58 - A barman stabs ... something ... and John didn't enjoy that, cos he was wearing a cowboy hat and somebody spat on the floor. What is this movie, exactly?
01.03 - Donnie and Phil are "druggies", and Bruce doesn't like them, and introduces himself to them fists first.
01.06 - "Where's my dog?" Remember the dog? He's still missing.
01.12 - Jason Momoa is Spider, the big bad drug dealer. He also doubles as the plot narrator, as he introduces us to what feels like a million more people, who are all somehow related to this god-forsaken dog kidnap story.
01.19 - It is so painfully obvious that this conversation between Jason Momoa and Bruce Willis happened in two completely different sets that it's actually kind of hilarious.
01.23 - THERE'S THE DOG!
01.28 - Bruce Willis punches a lot of people, but Bruce Willis is also punched by a lot of people, just in case you thought this was going to be too easy.
01.29 - Never mess with...
01.33 - Strippers! Drugs! Bruce can't start the car!
01.37 - "I want my dog back!" Dog status: still missing.
01.42 - Jason Momoa barks (like a dog, in case you forgot this movie was about a dog) at John, to show how tough he is. We're betting John misses the good old days when it was just stabby barmen and cowboy hats.
01.46 - Hang on. Famke Janssen is in this? Did the trailer editor forget to put her in? Maybe she'll show up at the end.
01.51 - Bruce Willis in a dress! Jason Momoa shoots someone! Hand cuffs! Tequila shots! Bruce meets another dog but it isn't his dog so he isn't happy about it!
01.59 - Remember that car earlier that Bruce couldn't start? Well he finally gets it started, but then all of California fire guns at it, and he crashes it two seconds later in the least cinematic car crash scene ever filmed.
02.05 - "It's got a hint of cinnamon, yo." Did Bruce make muffins for the bad drug gang? Seriously, what is this film?
02.08 - Bruce is playing on the beach with his dog. What are the bets that this is the end of the actual movie, too? The trailer may have just shown us the final shot of the actual movie.
02.10 - Oh, I guess Famke Janssen isn't in this trailer after all.
So there you have it. Once Upon A Time In Venice is in cinemas on 20 June 2017, and the 90th Academy Awards take place on 4 March 2018.Explore more on these topics: