Love Byeland

As the old saying goes, don't smile because it's over, cry because it happened (also find some tenuous Love Island life lessons while you're at it). Love Island airs its final episode of 2018 tonight and with it we can welcomingly introduce socialising and general productivity between the hours of 9pm - 10pm every night back into our lives. Thankfully, it hasn't all been for nothing. The past eight weeks have taught us many important things. For example, crisps are now and forever will be the ultimate holiday snack food, having no eyebrows guarantees instant meme status, sleeping in a room with a bunch of people is probably not the best place to have a quick shag and if your name is hard to pronounce, people are going to liken it to the closest discernible word (eagle). We also learned some life lessons that should see us right through to the next series of Love Island. Here are 11 learnings that justify pissing away the last two months of glorious summer evenings watching telly.

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1. Having an impressive job doesn't matter anymore, so you need to prioritise being hot over being successful When the girls had their pick of the boys on the very first day, all they had to go off was the lads' names, faces, bodies and occupations. A true sign of the times is the fact that ne'er an eyebrow was raised when a literal Doctor walked into the villa. Truly, nobody fancied Alex even with his proper job and they even went so far as to cite his inability to tan or grow facial hair as legitimate grounds for having no attraction to him. Meanwhile, a pen salesman was snapped up very swiftly and is on course to win the whole show. This is the age that we are living in. Don't bother doing well at school or studying for important exams, you just need to look good. You can't have *~relations~* with a Masters in Communications, but you can go to town on someone that looks a little bit like your favourite celebrity, if they went through a washing machine and also changed their entire face. Basically, prioritise looking hot over being successful. That is the key to happiness now.   2. A couple that uses hairdryers on obscure body parts together stays together Everyone's desperate to figure out the secret to having a long-lasting and happy relationship. Some believe that it boils down to trust, others choose to dabble in the occult together in a bid to summon powerful spirits that will protect your unity until such time as one of you forgets to pay the monthly subscription fee, at which point you both die. Whatever your theory, it's dead wrong. As we've learned from Love Island 2018, the secret to an unbreakable bond lies in using hairdryers on obscure body parts. On two unrelated occasions, Dani and Jack put the villa's hairdryer to unconventional uses. Dani dried her eyelashes, presumably after they were soggied underneath the hot Mallorcan sun, or moist from tears of joy at seeing Wes' cookery prowess by adding barbecue sauce to a pan full of friend onions. It was a bizarre move at the time, but now it makes sense. Jack later used the same hairdryer on his armpits for inexplicable reasons and now we finally know why they both carried out these seemingly bizarre actions. They are both insane and that is a bond stronger than any adhesive currently on the market. Bonus image of Steph blowdrying her moustache:   3. The year is 2018 and you cannot piss in a field without it touching your brother 

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That's a saying I'm currently trying to get off the ground, please do what you can to support it. Basically, what it means is that everyone knows everyone and as we've learned from this year's Love Island, it's never been more true than it is right now. Slowly but surely throughout the series, it became clear that pretty much every islander knew each other before going into the villa. Images resurfaced, ancient social media activity was unearthed, dental records were examined. The media truly outdid itself with #content. Alexandra and Megan snogged in a music video, new Laura and new Jack starred in the same fitness video, Adam and Ellie went to school together, Alexandra and Kaz both worked on the same shoot, Eyal and Charlie knew each other from the modelling world, even Samira and Charlie had some hot and heavy DM action in the past. This begs the question: Are we living in an age where everyone knows everyone? Should we reduce the six degrees of separation theory to two degrees, or maximum three? Britain is far too small. Everyone knows everyone. 1 in 8 citizens is said to be a godson or goddaughter of Sir Elton John. It is an epidemic. We are running out of strangers. Truly, as the popular phrase suggests, you simply cannot piss in a field without it touching your brother anymore.   4. Autocorrect will ultimately ruin us all but at least we have the memes As someone who spends all day writing mostly garbage, I am in a position to vouch for this one. Spelling stuff correctly is really hard, especially when your phone fixes it for you as soon as you've tried your best at typing it. The dreaded 'no replacements found' popup is becoming less and less frequent as our phones learn more about our chronic spelling habits. Basically, the robots are taking over and none of us are safe. But how has Love Island taught us this valuable piece of information? Well, any time the islanders took part in a task that involved basic literacy skills, generally at least one of them exposed their reliance on autocorrect. On the whole, spelling isn't hugely important as technology advances. Other things matter, such as being a nice person and avoiding eating burgers from vans outside football grounds because they're garbage. But as the Love Island franchise continues, the nation's ability to spell is going to decrease. Last year we had Chris Hughes with the inimitable 'Jason Stay Thumb' gaffe, this year, it was Dani Dyer with 'Mitionary'. We are all doomed, but at least the memes were dank.   5. Posh people always were and will continue to be a different breed from the rest of us Alex George: a man whose popularity seemed limitless until his posh tendencies got in the way and he lost it all. Alexandra's straight savage of a Mum hit the nail on the head when she said "I don't know what show you thought you were coming on". Perhaps Alex thought he was applying for Come Dine With Me, Just Tattoo Of Us or Britain's Biggest Twat. In which case, he could've made his grave mistake known to the producers upon arrival. Instead, he festered in the villa right until the day before the bitter end, posher than ever. Charlie, on the other hand, held his poshness well. With the exception of that one night he kept a jumper knotted around his shoulders, you wouldn't know that his house most likely has an AGA and four ensuite bathrooms, as well as a charming cleaner who basically raised them all. He was a nice guy who was respectful and kind to others. Alex started out that way, with his eccentricity presenting itself as an endearing quality. Then he got cocky and broke Alexandra's heart. Now it's pretty much certain that Alex voted for Brexit, he has a pension fund and a stainless steel toothpick that was gifted to him by the Sultan of Brunei at a gala. Eternally, posh people are a different breed.   6. Regardless of how amicable the breakup was, you are perfectly entitled to irrationally dislike your current partner's exes Dani Dyer, arguably one of the most likeable contestants on this year's Love Island somehow made irrational behaviour perfectly acceptable. It's an inexplicable level of power that political analysts will spend years trying to work out. How one person can just somehow be completely correct about every situation is unfathomable and the likes of which has truly never been seen on reality television before. Dani Dyer is correct on all matters. I want to hear her views on Brexit, the price of Freddos, Kylie Jenner's decision to stop using lip fillers, everything. When Jack's ex was sent into the villa to rock the boat, we, as a nation, instantly disliked her. Why? No reason, just felt like the right thing to do in solidarity with Dani, innit. She didn't even try to get back with Jack to any degree of success, nor was she deliberately there to be a home wrecker. Looking back on it, Ellie was actually quite nice. But she was a victim of the harsh Love Island circumstances. Dani Dyer made it ok to hate your partner's exes. Dani will rule Britain one day and that day can't come soon enough, frankly.   7. Some people, no matter how hard they try, simply cannot get a tan Look, tanning isn't everything. But it's a large portion of most things. When you go on holidays, part of the experience is seeing how tanned your skin can get without evaporating away into nothing. As someone whose skin has the ability to tan, I cannot sympathise with Alex's struggles. From day one he was berated by the girls who cited his pale skin as a disincentive to couple up with him. That's where beauty standards are for men in 2018. Women must be thin but curvy, pretty but natural, funny but not too funny, nice, friendly, fit, etc etc etc i want to die etc, but men simply just need to be tanned. Alex George taught us many things this summer, but the main takeaway we've been gifted with is the knowledge that some people just go very pink in the sun. It's not his fault, it's simply the way he was born. Does his inability to tan make him any less of a man? Heavens no. His disrespect and sense of entitlement towards women does that all by itself. Regardless, we mush show solidarity with those who cannot tan. It's not really an important quality to have anyway. Just be a nice person, really.   8. Girls can simultaneously be best friends and sworn enemies all at once There's little on this godforsaken earth stronger and more terrifying than the power of female friendship. Throughout this series of Love Island we've seen the girls support each other, iron out there differences, even call each other c**ts on one occasion, but their solidarity never waned. When the guys were acting like arseholes, the girls were there to talk shit about them and shoot evil glares across the villa. But when there was a fresh piece of meat in the villa, it was every blood-thirsty woman for herself. Laura and Alexandra were by all accounts relatively good mates, which really confused things when Cool Paul entered the villa. They openly discussed how they were both very chill in their pursuit of mothering his children, but put on heavy grafts behind each others' backs. Despite Alexandra's ultimate act of savagery in assisting Laura's makeup process and making her look like an extra off Benidorm, they still remained friends. To this day, perhaps they would take a bullet for each other. Or put one in each other? I don't know. Female friendships are insane.   9. Being sarcastic during an argument won't score you any brownie points, but it will be fucking hysterical so definitely do it The best moment of this series, unsurprisingly, goes to Jack's retort when he and Dani went to bed midway through an argument. Neither were in the right headspace to iron things out after the elusive lie detector test, but banter merchant Jack prevailed regardless. Dani threatened that she would be going home the following day, such was her desire for dramatics at that particular time. Rather than feigning concern, Jack became a hero amongst men by asking what time Dani's flight was at. It's a masterclass in sacrificing peace for banter and one we all can learn a lot from. During any argument, the temptation is always there to point out the other person's stupidity through humour. It's a risky means of battle because it doesn't always come with a guaranteed break in tension. Often, it adds to the rage and you find yourself being single at the end of it. But Jack took that risk and although it didn't pay off with Dani at the time, it's given him two paragraphs of commendation in an article on JOE.co.uk, so I think we all know who the real winner is on this occasion.   10. Abs are now officially cancelled because Danny Dyer said so It only happened last night but it still deserves a shoutout because it's big news. Danny Dyer has cancelled abs. They're gone. He applauded Jack's attitude in going into the villa when "they're all abbed up ain't got nothing about them" and with that, Danny Dyer has made abs uncool. They've quite literally had their day in the sun, but now it's time for "a little Derby" to rightfully take its place back in the limelight once again. If you currently find yourself in possession of abs, there's plenty of ways to get yourself back into no discernible shape. For starters, order yourself a takeaway tonight. Then wash it down with every food item in the house and also never do any exercise again. This is when the second half of your life begins. Long gone are the days you spent slaving away at the gym. A new life awaits. A purer life. One where Danny Dyer approves of you. Go out there and get yourself a Dad bod, champ!   11. You can leave your front door wide open for eight weeks and still somehow not get burgled Seriously how the fuck have they not been burgled yet? Close the goddamn door. Idiots.    

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All images via ITV