Love Island, am I right?

Everyone's talking about this bizarre show and rightfully so. Critics are saying that it's better than The Wire, it's more gripping than a grip, it's more addictive than an addictive substance. Basically, it is a wonderful means of escapism from this cruel and unforgiving world. But you're stuck in a position where you've avoided it up until now. You're at a crossroads. Do you continue being unable to participate in the lunchtime discourse at work, or do you throw caution to the wind and give it a go? Truly, I feel your confusion. My recommendation is to give it a go. If you're not enthralled after two episodes, fair enough. At least you tried. But just think of the memes. You'll finally understand them and your loved ones might actually want to talk to you again. It's a win-win situation. Whatever the outcome of your trial run of Love Island, let's get you up to speed on what's happened so far, and most importantly, let you know who's garbage.

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Adam

Personality: Gym lad who's obsessed with "birds" and will gladly step over anyone's toes in his quest to conquer every last one of them. Pros: Nice to look at, allows you to bond with people when you discover that they too consider him to be trash. Cons: Terrible person, fancies everyone in possession of a vagina, has no respect for women, never offers any banter of value. Key moments: Said he has slept with 200 women, sent Kendall home by picking Rosie, then sent Rosie home by picking Zara. (It will happen again). Relationship status: Currently coupled up with the new girl, Zara. Do we like him? No, absolutely not.  

Dani

Personality: Nice, warm, bubbly, funny, genuine and considerate. Definitely gets the first round in when you're at the pub and doesn't care if you don't buy one in return. Pros: Talks exactly like her father (Danny Dyer), person you'd most want to befriend in the villa, looks out for everyone and is good at diffusing tension. Cons: Hardly any. Possibly too much of a spectator at times? Key moments: Spelled missionary as 'Mitionary', became Jack's girlfriend, said she would still go for sushi with her Dad even though Jack is her boyfriend now. Relationship status: Jack's girlfriend. Do we like her? Yes, extremely.  

Alex

Personality: Serious, romantic, honest and very posh. Exactly what you would expect a Doctor to be like outside of work. Pros: Brings an interesting dynamic to the house whereby he's super intelligent but also looking for love, handy to have around in case any medical emergencies arise. Cons: Slightly boring at times, can be a bit weird with girls in an entitled way, rarely lets loose. Key moments: Getting multiple pep talks from the guys about how he should try to woo the new girls, excitedly making breakfast for Ellie the morning after their date. Relationship status: Just got pied by Ellie, but still officially coupled up. Do we like him? Yes, but slightly less than we used to.  

Eyal

Personality: Extremely deep, very mellow, definitely hugs trees in his spare time, gap year mentality, loves a good festival, vegan personality despite not actually being a vegan. Pros: Brings an intentional sense of zen to the villa, says weird things which sometimes verge on being entertaining. Cons: Talks a large amount of brown, very fond of himself, doesn't really add much to the island in terms of banter. Key moments: Sniffing Adam's bracelet while Alex chatted to Megan behind his back, calling Hayley (previous other half) out on her bullshit. Relationship status: In a dwindling couple with Megan. Do we like him? Not really.  

Jack

Personality: Cheeky chappy, funny, excitable, excellent friend, likeable and loud. Will literally never say no to a night out. Pros: Brings some credibility back to men when compared with his fellow islanders, always serves up reliably uncomfortable facial reactions to drama, good source of banter. Cons: Sometimes gets tangled in other peoples' drama, but not intentionally. Key moments: Pretended not to know that Dani's Dad was Danny Dyer, asked Dani to be his girlfriend, has described everyone as "a sort" at this point. Relationship status: Dani's boyfriend. Do we like him? We love him.  

Laura

Personality: Fun, laid-back, enthusiastic and a loyal friend. Partial to a few tears on a night out for reasons unknown. Pros: Gives good advice to the other girls, good at diffusing tension, seems to genuinely be enjoying her free holiday. Cons: Nags at Wes quite a bit, gets upset over trivial things and then becomes ratty for a day or two. Key moments: Canoodling with Wes and then racing to tell the girls, getting unnecessarily determined and competitive during the tasks, debuting a bold sense of style at any opportunity. Relationship status: In a tumultuous couple with Wes. Do we like her? When she's on form, yes.  

Samira

Personality: Funny, always on the lookout for banter, positive, good to her friends and easy to talk to. Definitely the first person to get up for karaoke at a work party. Pros: She's been a listening ear for all of the other islanders when she didn't have anyone to fancy, always funny in her diary room chats, has an insatiable thirst for banter. Cons: Sometimes fades into the background because she avoids confrontation, hopeless at flirting, slightly too fond of herself at times. Key moments: Frequently spits bars, being a good friend to Alex despite also being painfully single at the time, screaming with glee when she heard that a new boy would be entering the villa. Relationship status: Happily coupled up with Sam for now. Do we like her? Yes.  

Wes

Personality: Absolute lad, decent level of banter, very funny, charming, life and soul of the party. Glued to the dance floor on a night out. Pros: Always provides a decent level of mischief in the villa, excellent dance moves, oblivious to the fact that lots of the girls fancy him. Cons: Spends a large portion of his time arguing with Laura, can be a smidge cocky sometimes. Key moments: Setting up the 'Do Bits Society' for islanders that have *~canoodled~*, making deeply troubling faces when he commits to a dance move, apologising to Laura twice a day. Relationship status: In a tumultuous couple with Laura. Do we like him? Yes, we do.  

Megan

Personality: Quiet, reserved, polite, mysterious. She definitely spoke exclusively in whispers during her entire time at school. Pros: Offers a calmer dynamic in the villa compared to some of the others who crave attention all the time, calls Eyal out on his bullshit sometimes, seems like a genuine friend to the other girls. Cons: Doesn't say much so often fades into the background, potentially hasn't got much of a personality to share, unintentionally stirs up drama between the other couples. Key moments: Tried really hard to fancy Alex but ultimately couldn't, exposed Adam to be a massive pig. Relationship status: In a dwindling relationship with Eyal. Do we like her? Apathetic towards her, verging on dislike due to inactivity.  

Georgia

Personality: A lot. Energetic, excitable, loud, craves attention, youthful, very much wants to be involved in everything at all times. Insufferable at school and constantly in detention. Pros: Livens up the villa when it starts getting too quiet, very reliable friend to the other girls, especially when they're in a crisis. Cons: A bit much at times, desperately wants the limelight and is clearly looking for fame rather than love. Key moments: Very decent to Rosie when Adam screwed her over, volunteered herself to do dares out of sheer boredom and ended up annoying everyone as a result. Relationship status: Happily coupled up with Josh. Do we like her? When she's being chill, yes.  

Josh

Personality: Cool dude, slips under the radar a lot, fun to be around, full of secrets and may have murdered someone in the past but still smiling about it. Pros: Seems to have genuine friendships with the other guys in the villa, actually likes Georgia, excellent style. Cons: The headbands, doesn't get a huge amount of airtime possibly because he's quite boring, hard to fault as a result.  Key moments: Showcases his killer dance moves any time there's a party, was a gentleman when Georgia confessed she had feelings for him. Relationship status: Happily coupled up with Georgia. Do we like him? Probably, yeah.  

Ellie

Personality: Eager to be heard, energetic, slightly moany, definitely drives a Fiat 500 that her parents gave to her. Pros: Allowed Alex to very briefly feel human contact, really supportive to the other girls when they're upset, allows Laura to think she looks like her. Cons: Exaggerated her feelings towards Alex to survive recoupling, has an annoying voice, definitely fancies Adam but won't admit it. Key moments: Huge blowout argument with Alex where she exposed him to be a bit of an arsehole, consumed an apple, received a text. Relationship status: Just pied Alex, so extremely single. Do we like her? Not sure yet.  

Zara

Personality: Truly, I have no idea. We haven't seen it yet. Pros: Further exposed Adam to be a pig, albeit unintentionally. Cons: Yet to realise that Adam is a pig, enabled his manipulative behaviour with very little regard for Rosie's feelings. Key moments: Admitted that she knew Adam might be a risky choice but still went for him, fretted over their first kiss, asked "where does he get the time to fit them all in?" when she learned that Adam had slept with 200 girls despite being 22. Relationship status: Happily coupled up with Adam for now. Do we like her? Impossible to say yet, leaning towards no.  

Sam

Personality: Bubbly, confident, fun, enjoys banter, craves a good time and says 'Oi oi' a lot. Pros: Finally given Samira someone to fancy, seems to be a nice guy, fully aware of the show that he's taking part in. Cons: Seems a bit fake, has very clearly been watching the show so knows who to befriend and who to dislike. Key moments: Berated Adam for his piggery upon arrival, then berated him more later in the evening. Relationship status: Coupled up with Samira for now. Do we like him? As long as he doesn't screw over Samira, yes.