‘Lads, please put yer tops on…’ EXCLUSIVE interview with the heatwave

Today's interview guest is special.

Often joked about but rarely seen, she's a bit of an enigma. I'm promised she's going to turn up to meet me, but I've been burned in the past. She's flakey and unreliable. Regardless, I set off to meet the Irish heatwave. I'm sweating, so she must be close. People that shouldn't have their tops off, have their tops off. Oh, she's definitely here. I can smell it.

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Me: Heatwave, I can't believe I'm finally meeting you! How are things? Heatwave: Ciara, I'm buzzing to be here. This is my time to shine... literally! Me: Haha! So, first thing's first, how long are you with us? Heatwave: Now that would be telling! Me: No seriously now, how long have we left with you? Heatwave: Sure look, how long is a piece of string? I mean, if I had my way, I'd be here with you beautiful Irish people all the time. The fact is, I'm not allowed. You lot simply can't be this happy. It doesn't suit your faces. Admit it, you all LOVE to complain. Me: That's a very fair point. But allow us to complain in the glory of the sunshine? Trust me, we'll always find something. If it's not you, it's the Government or the price of Freddos. Heatwave: Stop, it's a joke. Now I will say I've heard a few whisperings going around that it's nearly TOO hot, so that proves your theory that the Irish will always find something to complain about. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Sure I'm 'only' providing you with 25°C heat and there's a bit of a breeze alongside me. Imagine what could be on the way... Me: Don't be getting my hopes up! Is there more of you to come? Heatwave: Well I've got news for you, it's going to get an awful lot hotter. Remember, it's still only June at the minute. We've still got July and August to come. I could be treating you ungrateful rips to the likes of 30°C and, trust me, you'll be begging me to stop. Me: No, we honestly won't. Please, scorch us. We need it. Heatwave: Don't push me, Ciara. Me: I'll push you, Heatwave. You don't scare me. I have a sunroof in my car and by Christ I'm going to get the use of it. Anyway, tell me this, what's your favourite part about being a heatwave? Heatwave: Definitely seeing the smiles on people's faces when they're greeted by me in the mornings. Everyone's just a lot happier and in much better form than usual. They're beaming and looking super cool in their sunglasses. People actually finish work on time and spend the evening with their families. Friends reunite for BBQs, beer garden chats and beach adventures. I see myself like the death of a relative in the sense that I bring friends and families together. Me: That's truly beautiful. What about your least favourite part of the job? Heatwave: Honestly, it's the lack of people's understanding as to what I'm about. Can all the lads please put their tops back on? Unless you're at the beach, it is simply not appropriate attire. I don't care if you've been playing inter-county GAA from the age of 12, you are NOT an Abercrombie model. Nobody needs to be blinded by your pasty torsos walking through town. Me: Hahaha! You make a wonderful point. It's an epidemic at this stage! Listen, I won't keep you. Anything to add before you continue to drown our nation in sun? Heatwave: For the love of Christ, can the EEJITS without suncream please go cop on. Similar to the Titanic when it came in contact with an iceberg, you are not built for this. Me: Wise words. Heatwave: Thanks babe. Me: Right, I'll leave you go. Please do us a solid and stick around for as long as you want, OK? Heatwave: Ciara, I'll do my best ;)