We've somehow managed to snag ourselves an interview with the moth that landed on Ronaldo during the last night's Euro 2016 final.
I'm nervous. I'm waiting in a coffee shop to interview the woman of the hour. She was viewed by millions worldwide last night, in a moment that is set to transcend the ages.
She's here. Ronaldo's moth is here.
Me: Sorry, I'm completely starstruck. It's a pleasure to meet you, moth. How are things?
Moth: Ciara, please, call me Deirdre. I'm fantastic, it's been quite a busy morning for me.
Me: I can well imagine! Sure we'll get straight into it so. Tell me what happened last night...
Deirdre: Well, I'm a huge fan of Cristiano Ronaldo. I was flying close to the football stadium on the off chance that I might get a glimpse at his beautiful face. A few of the gang came with me and apparently we "swarmed" the place. Ciara, God as my witness, it was myself and a couple of close friends. Nothing to be running away with.
Me: Completely understandable, Deirdre. Go on....
Deirdre: I saw my baby go down. He was the victim of a very dodgy tackle by that scumbag Payet and I saw his knee twist around the full 360 degrees. I yelped. I don't know if you're in love, Ciara, but there's a particular feeling when you see your soulmate in pain. You're helpless, it's a devastating feeling to experience. What could I do?
Me: What
could you do, Deirdre?
Deirdre: Well, against all UEFA regulations, I raced over to the pitch to comfort my baby and be at his side. Anyone else would've done the same thing. Love knows no bounds. Now, I didn't want to make a fool out of Cristiano by lobbing the gob immediately, so I landed innocently on his eyebrow, making it appear as if it was a mistake. Obviously, we both knew it was intentional because we're involved. Oh no, can you edit that out?
Me: Wow. Hang on, this is unbelievable. So you're in a relationship now? Since when?
Deirdre: Oh God, he's going to go mad, we were trying to keep things a secret until all this fuss dies down. Feck it. Yes: Cristiano Ronald and I, Deirdre Moth, are madly in love. We've been in a loving and fulfilling relationship since late last night. It took a while for him to come to terms with being in a fully committed relationship with an insect, but we're closer than ever at the moment. He may have only played for 25 minutes on the pitch last night, but he played for a lot longer when he came off ;)
Me: Saucy! So tell me, what lies ahead for you two lovebirds?
Deirdre: Obviously our first priority is to get Cristiano back to his full health. His knee is vile at the moment, it's roughly the size of a butternut squash and I can't bare to look at it any longer. We're going to get it treated, then probably spend some time together in the city of lights, I really love lights but for obvious reasons I can never get too close to them!
Me: No sure you'd sizzle, haha! Well, it really sounds like you have the perfect relationship. No arguments at all?
Deirdre: Listen Ciara, as with any relationship, we have our ups and downs, it's not all rainbows and smiles. Cristiano is determined to get me to stop chewing holes in the bed linen and honestly, I'm trying my absolute best, but they're just so tasty! I always tell Cris that I'd prefer if he'd shave his legs in the shower as opposed to the bath, but do you think he listens?
Me: Men! What are they like!
[
At this point, Deidre's phone rings - it's Ronaldo! They chat for a few minutes and from what I can decipher, they appear to be making plans for dinner this evening. He's mad for a Chinese but Deirdre fancies a few bed sheets - guess their self-improvement plans aren't coming into effect just yet!]
Deirdre: Sorry about that, he always calls just to check in.
Me: You're grand, I totally understand. Lookit, I'll leave you go. Thanks so much for talking to me and thanks for sharing your story. I wish you and Ronaldo the absolute best in all your endeavours.
Deirdre: Thanks Ciara pet, you're as good. Ciao!
