I'm not here to make friends.

Celebrity Big Brother is the biggest pile of garbage television in the world, but it's the start of January so everyone's sad that Christmas is over and feeling very vulnerable. My favourite part of the launch is when they play the pre-recorded interviews with the contestants before they go into the house. They always talk absolute tripe and essentially try to secure themselves as the most controversial yet hated housemate before they've even entered the house. Here's 16 things you can expect to hear tonight.

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1. I'm not here to make friends. 2. Listen, I'm like marmite. You'll either love me or hate me. 3. The public will get to see the real side of me. 4. Yeah I'd probably go for the ride in the house, the cameras wouldn't bother me. 5. I'm just here to pay off my mortgage to be honest. 6. My boobs are fake, but I am 100% real other than that. 7. Yeah I'd be open to finding love. My husband doesn't mind. 8. I'm very famous *explains how they're famous* 9. Michael Jackson was a dear friend of mine. I miss him every single day. 10. I'm not going to talk about my exes, whose names are as follows... 11. They better have protein shakes in the house or I'm leaving. 12. Hello, I am Calum Best and I have been on every reality tv show twice. 13. I'm not ashamed of my past. I will talk about it in the house because you idiots are paying me loads of money. 14. People say I'm a ditsy blonde but that's not true. I know loads of things. At least five things. 15. I'm not here to talk about my enemies, whose names are as follows... 16. I'm not here to win. Like it would be nice if I won, but that's not why I'm here. I get paid either way.