Today, new dog microchipping laws have come into effect. It's a good idea so that dogs can be identified and returned safely to their owners, unless they were heading off to follow their dreams and become a famous dogtor to the stars in Hollywood, in which case the microchip will foil their plans entirely. Either way, I think lots of things should have special GPS microchips so that we can find them easily when they go missing. Here are my propositions.

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1. Microchips Folks, firstly we need to microchip the microchips. It doesn't take a genius to work this one out. If we lose all the microchips, how are we going to microchip literally everything we own? Duh.   2. Capri Sun Straws The last four times I've bought a Capri Sun, it's been missing the straw. I've had enough of this nonsense and I think we need to enforce stricter conditions for these haphazard implements.   3. Hairclips These little divils are everywhere when you don't need them, but seem to disappear whenever there's a search warrant out for them. Think of the precious minutes we could save if they were easy to locate.   4. Our Dignity On A Night Out Frequently lost and rarely fully regained, our dignity is important. Unfortunately it tends to go walkabout on a night out, so implementing a microchip would mean it can be returned safely after being, sadly, identified as yours.   5. Microwave Chips The idea of microchipped Micro Chips is funny. On a serious note, are they still available in shops? Particularly the crinkly ones? They were a delight.   6. Receipts With Bathroom Codes A coffee shop without a toilet is like a bank without money. Thankfully, most coffee shops have toilets nowadays, but they're now barricading the bathrooms behind a coded door. Like animals, we've to trawl through the bin to find our stupid receipt, which confirms that the code, is indeed, 0000.   7. People Nothing is scarier than becoming detached from your friends in a crowd. Whether it's on a night out or during a trip to Dundrum, being separated is terrifying. What if their phone dies? What if your phone dies? Not to worry. Simply microchip everyone in a simple and highly invasive procedure.   8. Reasonably Priced Freddos Just kidding, they don't exist yet.