Single people are disgusting and should have to pay more tax than everyone else.

Oh wait, they already do! "Studies" have shown that there is a direct correlation between your name and ability to maintain a stable and lengthy relationship that ultimately leads to marriage. If you have any of the following names, you're likely to be alone FoReVeR, you disgusting piece of garbage. Sorry.

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Female Aoife Cantcommit Ciara Wonttiemedown Emer Intimacyissues Karen Hateseveryone Laura Toogoodforyou Mary Careerfirst Niamh Justneedsspace Róisín Wontoffendanyone Susan Allthesingleladies Taylor Swift   Male Adam Fondofthewomen Colm Isabigjerk Dave Wontsettle Éamonn Willneverwed John Canttalktogirls Kieran Stilllivesathome Liam Prefersplayingminecraft Michael Hasnofriends Peter Doesntbelieveinmarriage Seán Stillavirgin