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8th November 2019
04:38pm GMT
Folks, we need to stop fooling ourselves. These adorable bears are garbage. They're too small, they lack flavour and maliciously hide in the corner of the bag meaning they're in serious danger of getting thrown in the bin (tbh where they belong). Their texture is too hard for many of our sensitive little mouths, and there's not much flavour return for your decision to eat one of them.
If your friend offers you a jelly, the absolute last one you're going to pick is a gummi bear because you may as well just choose nothing and you'd be left with the same end result. You would need to consume roughly 5,000 gummi bears to achieve your desired level of flavour and overall snack satisfaction. If Haribo removed the bears from their Starmix in the morning, I would not shed a single solitary tear.
4. Cola Bottles
The main issue with cola bottles is that they are simply just OK. Nothing mind-blowing, nothing too offensive, they are just about acceptable. They're a decent thickness, meaning you feel as though you're getting some value for your choice of jelly. The flavour is exactly as expected and there is a sufficient amount of chewing involved.
I like to think of plain cola bottles as the third Hemsworth brother. His siblings, the sour cola bottles, are far superior in every possible way and nobody really knows his name, but if he was the only one left on earth you would begrudgingly cast him in your film. He's a decent guy, what you see is what you get, but you're absolutely not going near him of your own volition unless it is a cruel game of truth or dare and the truth option is far too revealing.
3. Rings
If it wasn't for their versatility, the rings would be bottom of the list, I assure you. What they lack in flavour, they more than make up for in possibilities. You can wear those rings on your grubby little fingers all day and they'll still be there waiting for you when you get home. But how on earth do you get the ring off? By aggressively biting it, obviously.
They come in a variety of colours which is tremendously exciting, and much like Ant and Dec, you forgive their shortcomings because they're good fun. You can eat them whole, stretch them until they break, propose to someone, eat them in increments or even adopt them as this season's hottest fashion accessory. The struggle of everyday life is momentarily worthwhile when you have a jelly ring by your side.
2. Eggs
No, they are NOT spaceships, they're eggs. The only issue surrounding them is that you get roughly one per packet of Starmix and that is simply unacceptable on Haribo's behalf. I see what you're up to, Haribo. Filling those tiny packets with gummi bears and rings so that more eggs won't fit. We need our protein.
The best part about jelly eggs is biting the yolk off first, then sucking on the white bit and pushing your tongue through the weakened middle as a result of removing the yolk. It's borderline sexual, but it's also the purest thing you can do on a sunny afternoon. If you eat them whole, you are a sociopath and I recommend scheduling an appointment with your GP at your nearest convenience.
1. Love Hearts
Moment of appreciation for the greatest jelly in a packet of Starmix, ladies and gentlemen, the humble love heart. Everything is perfect. The colour, the flavour, the ratio of jelly to white bit, it's all spot on. You can eat it whole or, if you're feeling ambitious, dissect the top part from the bottom and feel the closest sensation to being a surgeon that you'll ever feel.
The jelly hearts are proof that you can have it all. Again, similar to the egg situation, we need to get a system put in place where there's a larger distribution of these angelic souls in each packet because anything less than five is unacceptable. It's hit and miss these days and no doubt Brexit is to blame. Either way, jelly love hearts, today is your day and the crown is yours <3
