Is there anything worse than someone in your vicinity on a health kick, or a juice cleanse or a detox or whatever the f*ck?
There's got to be nothing worse than an evangelical diet bore. All their crowing about clean living is not #inspiring me to better myself in any way, all it's made me want to do is mainline butter and kill my friends.
Here're 10 Things That Happen When Your Friend Goes on a Health Kick:
1.
You must resist the urge to roll your eyes when every restaurant order takes about 15 minutes while she stipulates no butter, sauce on the side, if she can have salad instead of chips and asks what gluten-free options are available.
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2.
You will start to LOATH her #FitFam social media updates. Yes – we're jealous, yes – it's begrudging and mean-spirited but YES – it's okay to hate her.
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3.
She may try to offload her old clothes on you. "They're just waaaaaay too big for me now!" Resist the urge to squish the life out of her by sitting on her; she hasn't had a carb in 26 days, she knows not what she is saying.
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4.
In fact, you may have to adopt this statement as a kind of mantra and repeat as necessary:
She hasn't had a carb in 28 days; she doesn't know what she is saying….
She hasn't had a carb in 28 days; she doesn't know what she is saying….
She hasn't had a carb in 28 days; she doesn't know what she is saying….
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5.
She'll probably come up with all kinds of clangers now that she's skinnier than you. Things along the lines of:
"I just don't know how you can eat dairy, since I quit cheese, it makes me feel sick."
This from the woman who you know for a fact once ate an inch thick slice of kilmeaden cheddar spread with paté when there were no crackers in the house.
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6.
On nights out she's has all the tolerance of a baby kitten. Two vodka sodas with fresh lime and you're carrying her home; luckily she's about two stone lighter than the last time you carried her anywhere.
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7.
"I just feel amazing… you should try it." Oh no, b*tch! Don't try to change me, baby, I think as I prepare a delicious crisp sandwich. I know what tastes as good as skinny feels: Carbs stuffed with other carbs and lubricated with fat.
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8.
She refuses to engage in the mandatory hangover days. Instead of the time-honoured tradition of eating while horizontal and rewatching Mean Girls for the 674th time, she wants to go for a run. A RUN! How are we even friends?
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9.
She finds really in-depth conversations about CrossFit, really reeeeeally interesting, I repeat: "How are we even friends???"
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Remember:
"She hasn't had a carb in 28 days; she doesn't know what she is saying…."
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10.
In a deep dark place inside your soul, you might be slightly hoping that she FAILS and comes crawling back to your level with her tail between her legs and a spice bag clutched in her sweaty fist. Mwahahahhahaha.
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