Lent, am I right?

It's essentially a time to show off at how good you are at self-control. Big woop. If you're at a loss as to what you should give up this year, I've drafted some potential options for you to peruse at your leisure. Warning: This contains some harsh truths, but they're for your own good.

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1. Give up pretending there's someone else in the house when the delivery man brings you an obscenely large amout of takeaway food. 2. Give up bringing your pet to a mirror and saying "Look, that's you". They have no interest. 3. Give up counting your change a minimum of twelve times before you get on the bus out of sheer anxiety that you've done it wrong and will have to go rooting for more. 4. Give up trying to cook quinoa. Seriously, it's not worth the hassle. 5. Give up pretending you've watched Dirty John. It's very obvious that you binged on Friends yet again. 6. Give up sarcastically shouting 'YOU'RE WELCOME' at other road users when they fail to acknowledge your kindness. They can't hear you. 7. Give up posting indirect passive-aggressive Tweets and Facebook statuses. Nobody cares. 8. Give up practicing your autograph. You're never going to get famous. 9. Give up yoga. It's stupid and your time would be better spent eating Danone Activia yoghurts because Martine McCutcheon eats them and she is fantastic. 10. Give up trying to make shoulder pads work for you. It's never going to happen. 11. Give up using your student card. It's 3 years expired and you can afford to pay the full price for the cinema now. 12. Give up signing emails with an initial, you are not saving any time whatsoever. 13. Give up pretending you're not interested in shellac. It is wonderful and very competitively priced. 14. Give up feigning an interest in your significant others' hobbies, you will never understand the offside rule. 15. Give up telling everyone you spent a year in Australia. They know and they don't care. 16. Give up trying to convince yourself that frozen yoghurt is healthy. You're essentially using it as a base for an obscene amount of pick n mix. 17. Give up pretending you're gluten intolerant. 18. Give up wishing people Happy Birthday on Facebook, you haven't spoken in twelve years. 19. Give up pretending you're amused by baby pictures. They all look the same. 20. Give up bringing thirteen pairs of knickers with you on a weekend break. You're 25, you're not going to have an accident. 21. Give up using brunch as an excuse to drink during the day. Just set yourself free and live your life.