If you've got a lumbering, sweating, gloriously grumpy Gestater in your life right now, you may need these handy guidelines for how not to piss off a woman who may at this point be up to twice your size (and twice as crazy, emotional and vicious as a hormonal pirana).
Here're 10 most dangerous things to say to the pregnant woman in your life:
"You're HUGE!"
Or any variation of this: "Are you sure it's not twins?" "Oh my god I can't believe you're only five months along!" She will sit on you. Justifiably.
"How are you going to manage childcare?"
She doesn't KNOW. She's just trying to manage chronic heartburn and persistent nausea. Don't annoy her with pesky details right now.
"Is that not bad for the baby?"
You may have read something on the Internet about oranges being bad for pregnant women. Remember the Internet is hysterical. If the Internet is to be believed a gestating woman is best not to attempt any living whatsoever for the duration of the nine months. If the Internet had its way, pregnant women would be placed in a state of suspended animation and exclusively fed kale through a tube until time for the birth.
"Oh my god, I was watching One Born Every Minute, and it was..."
JUST STOP RIGHT THERE. No need to gleefully retell gruesome blow by blow accounts of the birthing process as gleaned from reality TV. She does not need to be reminded that the baby will be coming out of what is clearly too small a hole in a few months time.
"I heard that you are only supposed to increase your calorie intake by 300 calories during pregnancy."
She will not appreciate this helpful reminder.
"You must breastfeed, it's so much better for the baby."
The mode of feeding a baby is too controversial a subject to broach with anyone EVER. Chances are she's heard of the many benefits of breastfeeding, though she may not care to be lectured by someone who has never breastfed an infant themselves. Just a thought.
"Are you going to have a natural birth?"
It's likely that she has been asked this question four thousand, two hundred and eighty-seven times since becoming pregnant. Perhaps substitute the words 'natural birth' with 'another slice of cake' for a better reception.
"You look exhausted."
There's really no good way to take this remark. Substitute 'exhausted' for 'radiant', 'glowing' or 'Gisele Bundchen-like'.
"Look at the size of your boobs/ankles/jowls/hands."
Swelling in places you never knew could swell (hello crazy man hands) is one of the least pleasant side effects of propagating the species. Preggo cankles can indeed be a sight to behold but perhaps best left unmentioned unless you want a cankle to the face.
"Is it okay that I had the last Cornetto."
Oh hell no. Just assume that she and the adorable foetus have dibs on everything from Jaffa Cakes to Cornettos to (blech!) boiled frankfurters dipped in mustard and sprinkles forever.
