Mother's Day is a fake holiday created by greedy corporations to sell more Mothers. Regardless, Mam will insist that she doesn't want nor need anything for the big day. This is a trap. Do not, under any circumstances, arrive home empty-handed on Mother's Day. Even if it's just a box of chocolates, you need something to cover yourself. Now, you've been warned. Here's 14 things you Mam will say on Mother's Day.

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1. Did you see my flowers? Aren't they as fresh? 2. I told you I didn't want anything. You're very good. 3. I saw Teresa across the road got a new car for Mother's Day. Imagine that. 4. Here I am, cooking on Mother's Day. No rest for me. 5. It's my day, I'll decide what goes on the telly. 6. All I want is peace and quiet for Mother's Day. 7. I gave up chocolate for Lent but it's a special day so we'll allow it. 8. How come Mother's Day always lands on a Sunday? 9. Pity you wouldn't tidy the house, that's all I want. 10. We'll put the flowers in the good sitting room so they can be seen through the window. 11. It's Mother's Day, not Smothers Day, will you leave me alone for five minutes. 12. (As she opens the wine) It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 13. It would be nice if someone else did the washing-up for a change. It's MY day. 14. Now, as I said, I didn't want anything for Mother's Day, but I would've loved to see Adele.